More and more I'm reminded of the person I once was. Brings back a wide range of feelings. Smiles and laughter all the way to shame and guilt. I'm confronted with these more this time of year due to the busyness of the season. Can I ever fully outrun her? Sometimes I feel she is way too close for comfort. Makes me feel uneasy and trapped.
When I'm confronted with my former reputation it does make me cringe a little bit. Yes, I had a ton of fun. Yes, I did hurt many people (mostly myself). And if I could do it again I wouldn't change anything because I believe it's all part of the plan. The bad decisions, the struggle, the adventures, the heartache, it all made me who I am today.
I'm thankful for God's grace and mercy on me because I don't deserve it.
He has been so patient and loving with me. Placing the right people and circumstances in my path at just the right time. Closing the right doors so others could open. They have taught me lessons about Him, myself and about life. And I'm thankful for that. I'm thankful for the storms. I've learned to accept the struggle. Praise Him during the trial. Knowing each 'war' is a lesson, a test; He is teaching me something about Him. He needs to prune me for something greater.
I'm not sure where the next day will take me, I'm just thankful I'm not in control. Someone's gotta be at the wheel of this crazy train and I'm glad it's not me. I tried for a long time to 'do it my way' and failed miserably. Made some memories and I'm able to tell some epic stories, with a side of embarrassment mostly. Haha. I used to crave the uncontrollable but for different reasons. Always chasing the party and the adventure. Quick give me a shot before I walk in. You know....random madness. But I no longer crave these things. Which is just short of a miracle if you know me at all. I could care less about going out to bars, clubs and parties. God took the desire away from me. I am oh so thankful for this. What's important has shifted. It doesn't bother me to miss the happy hours, ball games and concerts anymore. Yes I ocacaisionally catch a game or a show, but it's not the same. And unfortunately, some things I thought were amazing years ago...well, they are boring and somewhat annoying now. Complete weirdness. And it's heartbreaking too. So I've yet to do some things with my new viewpoint on life, maybe I'm scared to find out how lame it is? Some memories/experiences I don't want crushed by reality I guess.
So the journey continues...
This round just happens to be a little lighter. Had to let some people go, lost some weight and let go of guilt. I've never felt more free. I've never felt more 'me' if that makes sense. At first I wasn't sure and fought God the whole way. After many face plants and head knocks, I decided to just listen and obey. Glad He takes special care of us stubborn children.